Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Doin' It Like Daddy

The alarm goes off at 6:30 a.m. Bleary eyed, I stumble out of bed to the bathroom, with an usually urgent need to pee. I'm used to waking up to the call of nature after a bladder that's been subjected to three pregnancies, but this morning the feeling is rather excessive.  Seriously, sometimes I wish my bodily functions would chill the hell out.

Walking into the bathroom, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror... And I nearly have a stroke.

At bedtime last night, I was a petite, reasonably decent looking, long haired, blue eyed, female.  Needed a shower? Sure. Hair was a wreck? Yeah. Legs in need of a shave? Well, duh.  I lost the ambition to shave several children ago. But female, nonetheless. Yep, definitely female.

Yet, the person staring back at me is a large, hulking, bearded, rough, SCARY (albeit, somewhat attractively muscular) MAN! My heart is racing. I feel like I may projectile vomit at any given second. In a tizzy, my mind considers the busy day ahead and is clueless as to what I am supposed to DO about suddenly MORPHING into a MAN for God's sake. Then I stop and think again about the day ahead... The face of the reflection in the mirror slowly breaks into a wide grin (lacking several teeth.) Maybe the day won't be so bad, if I do it like a daddy, for once...

I start to proceed to the hall closet to get my towel and wash cloth for my perfunctory three minute morning shower before children awake to pummel me with demands. Then, I remember!  Hot damn, I'm a man.  Screw showering!  I instead proceed to the kitchen where I eat a ham sandwich, a bowl of cereal, and down two Pepsi's in rapid succession. Normally, I would take two fish oil tablets, and a magnesium tablet to ward off head aches and fat cells, then not eat anything until about three p. m. when I would pick like a bird at a piece of cheese and one slice of bologna.  But HEY, I'm a MAN right? I can eat WHATEVER I WANT! Probably won't gain a pound, and if I do, I will still look AWESOME! Suh-weet. 

Then I go and wake up the kiddos to begin preparing them for the day. Admittedly, they're a little freaked out. But, when I tell them they can pick out whatever they want to wear, and eat chips for breakfast, the resilient little boogers get right on board with the program!

Soon, my day as a daycare provider begins.  The daycare mom's also are pretty freaked out, but hell, at this point its a bit too late for them to make other arrangements, so they leave their little darlings in my care. By 8:30 a. m. I manage to get several kids onto a school bus and wave them off down the street.  Being totally juiced up on waffles, ice cream, pop, and candy, they wave excitedly at me out the window as they roll away.  Bet they can't WAIT to see what's for snack when they return!

By 9 a. m. sippy cups have been dropped on the floor roughly 96 times.  I am beginning to feel like a Vietnam Vet with shell shock from all the cups being lunged at the hardwood floors.  Not to mention, the lids on the cups keep flying off and various kid liquids are now essentially coating the floor. Obviously, I'm not much in the mood for cleaning today since I am a MAN, so I just drop a different dish towel onto each puddle and leave it. I'll get it later. Maybe. Or someone will. I guess. So, I retrieve all sippy cups and throw them in the trash. I then pull out the biggest mixing bowl I can find, fill it with water, and leave it on the kitchen floor for all the kiddos to drink at their leisure.

By 9:30 a. m. potty training madness is in full swing.  2 of the little ones are potty training, and 2 of the even littler ones just want to linger in the bathroom.  I. E. tiny, itty, bitty bathroom, one big, burly, hulking man, 4 bouncing, flopping, tripping, clutzy toddlers with less than desirable aiming abilities.  Catching another glimpse of my awesomely manly self in the mirror, I decide, just for today (or for however long I remain a man) SCREW THIS!
I myself have been attempting to pee again for quite sometime, but every time I exit the room, one of the small people begins to sob uncontrollably.  As soon as I get that one to stop, another one starts.  They repeat the crying cycle, and I am about to piss right down my leg.  So, I devise an alternative for the potty training madness.  I strip all the kids totally naked, and I take them out into the bright and sunny back yard.  "Pee it up, kids," I tell them all with a smile.  I have officially converted the back yard into the community peeing zone, and let me tell you, its going GREAT!

Since running around naked in the yard is going AWE-SOME, I decide to roll with it. I think if I'm going to end up being a man forever, that's going to be my new motto. I lounge on the reclining yard chair, and watch the little monkies go to town. They're having a blast attempting to scale the fence, but I don't find it real likely they'll make it, so I take a short snooze.

When I wake up, the children have all worn themselves out and are passed out in various spots in the yard. I note the sun has retreated behind the clouds and decide outside nap will be fine. Then, I go inside to fix myself a delightful lunch of steak, and Busch Lite! My daycare providing skills just went from good to great, folks!

Later that evening, I have allotted time to sit down and do the bank book. Taking a perusal of the funds available versus the bills due, I make the executive decision to 86 paying bills this month. Instead, I order guitar parts, and ape hangers for my Harley.

Life is good when you're,

*note to readers: all content fictional.  I never let my daycare kids pee in the yard ;0)*

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